"I Love You"
When my husband travels for one or two weeks at a time I don't usually fret about it. I miss him but not so much that I feel the need to write or talk about it. I am one of the guilty military wives crazy enough to admit that I do like it when he travels for short periods of time. Not only does it give us a little space and time to miss each other but I also get a little break from the old routine (cooking, laundry, his favorite TV shows).
This last week he had to go back to the states, except this time he left stressed and he was traveling due to a family emergency. He had to help his brother and that is most definitely important. However, I felt he was already gone the week before so I was ready for him to go and be physically there, getting answers.
This time I felt a real separation. He left with nothing but his brother on his mind, didn't even know school was starting soon and didn't call to ask the girls how that was coming along. Didn't call to ask how we were doing or if the baby was doing well. I felt resentment, I felt selfish for thinking he should call and remember all these things. I felt guilty for thinking he should be able to handle both, the urgency back home and the routine here on the island. I thought he should be able to turn off the emotional concerns and stress being brought on by the events surrounding his brother and his parents and focus on HIS family just for a little bit. I was afraid that his coming home would mean he would still have his mind there and not here.
I realized, this morning, that aside from the fact that I'm feeling a little more hormonal than usual this week, I have also been holding everything inside. Not crying, not being upset, not allowing myself to get stressed and not talking to anyone who might make me feel less then happy. I continued my routine at the gym, the kids, the chores and to-do's of the day and stayed strong because after all, I have to be strong for my kids and for my husband...someone has to.
I finally let it all go today. I broke down and cried, told my husband how I felt and how sorry I was for feeling the way I did and thinking what I thought about him. I am not usually one to hold things in because I know that those things will make me unhappy and cranky. It's pointless to worry from the inside out without doing anything to change the situation.
So now I'm back to being me. Realizing that my husband is not worried about his wife, kids, home because he knows I am strong and will take care of everyone. On this mission he should only have to worry and think about his brother who needs him. If he were to call everyday I might be offended that he didn't trust me. Instead I am proud to have him in my life and happy that he trust me enough to not worry about what's happening here at home. I am so glad I can provide him with that much sanity when things go crazy elsewhere!
He's on his way home and feeling great. He is leaving his brother in good hands and in better shape then when he first arrived. I'm glad I wasn't a source of stress for him, I love him and I miss him, that's all!
You have got to be one of the most introspective people I've met. I LOVE that about you!ReplyDelete