Today I woke up with really mixed up feelings about a lot of things. First off I wondered if I hurt anyone's feelings this week. My circle of friends is important to me and the last thing I want to do is hurt them but sometimes we protect our heart so much that it is inevitable to hurt others, unknowingly. If I did, I hope they'll forgive me, my heart is a little achy these days. I'll explain why.
I recall how I felt a few years ago when my eldest child, my son, graduated High School. Not only did I have to turn him lose into a brave new world but I was also leaving the country and losing my ability to be there for the occasional hug, lunch, movie, visits home, and the all too common, mom here's my laundry during school breaks. Family members got to that instead and while I'm grateful, I am also saddened because it wasn't me.
I have helped in so many ways and I know he appreciates every thing and every penny but it's just not the same as being able to physically visit and give him a hug when he needs one.
This week he moved out of the dorm and into his own apartment, which he shares with a couple of students from school. A huge move but he did it all on his own, with a little guidance from mom and dad. Again, living in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba has offered a lot of different things to do and a different lifestyle but it has stripped me of the ability to get up and go hug my kid. My husband service to our country is certainly full of surprises. But it is this service, his and mine, that helped my son become so well rounded and brave. Leaving his comfort zone is scary but not an issue and I am proud of him for taking this huge step.
Still here I sit in the only gated Navy Housing community in the world, surrounded by the most beautiful coral reefs, amazing view of the bay, great friends, a supporting husband and three other children to mold and still my heart aches for the one I can't reach. I'll be fine and he will too but I wont deny myself the occasional sadness or tears that come when I miss my children.
For now I guess I'll have to settle for the occasional phone call, email, and instant messages and he'll have to get my hugs in the way of gifts for his new place, like food. I know he'll make the right choices so I have already arranged for him to visit his local Farmers Market and Trader Joe's to pick up the foods we used to enjoy together before the big move.
Can't wait to see you this summer Josh! You are doing a great job! You will be fine, as will I.
Letting go isn't easy, is it?
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